Mrs. Berman

The Invisible Mother

2011-05-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

I didn't write this but someone amazing did and my mom sent it to me...

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature -- but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her
inscription:
'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book.

And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it, and the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.

'No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.

I told my mom she does get to see the cathedral she built. You see it when your child becomes a parent. :-)

Look Who's Here!

2010-02-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day from our new love ...

2 Week Update!

2010-02-04T16:16:00.001-08:00

Updates –

1. My doctor said on Tuesday if she had to guess she’d guess 2 weeks! That puts us on the 16th. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!

2. I’ve still only gained like 5lbs. Hollah!

3. I’m wearing smaller pants today than when I started this whole thing and they’re not plus size. Hellllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooo amazing!

4. Ellie has dropped a little and is in a perfect position for making her debut.

5. Now we sit and wait for contractions…

Well, you can go about your business but I’m doing a lot of sitting and a lot of waiting. Oh and a LOT of laundry and TV watching. And Cadbury egg eating. What?!? A girl needs to eat!

Knocked Up!

2010-01-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

So it turns out that I am super knocked up! I am full on 37 weeks pregnant. Which it turns out is technically FULL TERM! Also, I wish someone had mentioned that before like *now* because this whole time everyone has been saying 40 weeks is full term. And while I am more than ready to not be pregnant anymore I still have a few more things to do before Ellie gets here. Oh yes – that would be Eleanor Katy Berman. “Ellie in the belly” for now. ;-) And she’ll be here any minute!

So I thought – it’s about time that I get back on my blog so I could at least update everyone that Ellie is coming and also have a place to share our hilarious stories and awesome pictures. Thank you Heather (a co-worker that Dave simply calls “Cookie Girl” because she makes yummy cookies) for bringing to my attention that there needs to be a blog so that everyone can hear Courtney/Dave parenting stories. Plus it warms my heart when Dave says something embarrassing and follows it up with “Don’t blog that!”

So here are a few highlights I learned from pregnancy:

1. No one tells you just how swollen things can get. And I’m not just talking about fingers and ankles. Not. Cool. Not cool at all.

2. Everyone feels the need to tell you their birth story. It’s usually graphic and horrifying and can last anywhere from 15 minutes to AN HOUR. You are expected to nod and smile and oooooh and aaaaah and then at the end they always sum it up with “but don’t listen to what anyone tells you – just do what you want.” And what you want to do is punch them in the face. ;-)

3. Babies R Us makes me sweat and Dave knows how more of the stuff in there works than I do. How did that happen?

4. TUMS are my best friends.

5. I don’t particularly love pregnancy but I will do anything to love Ellie. And I’m just praying that that is the one thing everyone is right about – that when I hold her it will all be worth it.

So here we go…

I'll be right back!

2009-06-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

So I'm preparing a really good blog. Like - a really good one. I'll be back in a couple of weeks. Until then please enjoy these lovely Koi. They live at the Hana Hotel in Maui. :-)

2008-12-12T14:41:00.000-08:00

It’s that time again …

I’M BACK! And I feel a little guilty that I haven’t blogged since it was summer and 4 million degrees in the valley. Granted, that could have been last week – but realistically it’s been since July. And I really want to tell you that I just haven’t had much to say … but that’s not really true. I’ve been to an awesome wedding (Congratulations Dan & Danielle!), had a lot to say about the election (which I never said out loud/on paper), and took an awesome trip to DC for Thanksgiving (we almost missed our flight and I cried at LAX). But all in all it’s been kind of gloomy in the big wide world. And while I don’t want to give in to that I just haven’t been inspired.

BUT! Now I’m getting over all that and thought I would share one of my fave stories from the last few months. Sooooooooo - I l-o-v-e Paul Rudd. Like ever since Clueless he has been my fave of all faves. So you can imagine my excitement when Dave told me that we were going to the Role Models premiere and that Paul was going to be there! I planned my outfit, blew out my hair. … the whole shebang! And then I promised Dave (knowing full well I was totally lying) that I would be cool and not bother Paul and behave myself from afar. In my defense though, Dave did agree to marry me and knows that I should be medicated and I am not so that’s kinda his fault too right?

Anyhoo – we went to the premiere and the movie was great and I checked out the red carpet and it was all very exciting and free popcorny! And then we went to the premiere party… which ended up being like a mile walk away. In heels. And jeans. And a really cute short sleeve bubble sweater top. In 95 degree heat. At like 10pm. In LA. In freaking October when the day before it was like 60 and had already started snowing in some states. Ugh. I started to get sweaty. Like really sweaty. And once it started it would not stop. But Paul was at the party so I had no choice. I had to just suck it up, get some chardonnay, and move on. I stalked him for a good hour or so so that I could get close to his table - where there was basically a long line of skinny hot chicks waiting to take a picture with him. So I waited … sweating … trying not to look crazy. Which was REALLY hard when Paul kept making eye contact with me like maybe he wanted to call security.

And then … I had my chance. The crowds parted and I went for it. In my head I knew how the conversation would go - Oh hey Paul – loved you in Object of my Affection. Could I get a picture? Oh sure Courtney! And I love your blowout – did you do that for me? Oh no silly my hair always looks like this. Oh well – you look amazing. “Click”

This is how it went down – Ummmmmmmhipaulummmmmimlikeareallybigfanijustwantedtotellyouthatyeahimabigfanummmmcanyoutakeapicturewithme? Poor Paul was just like “ummmm ok” and he was sooooooooooo backing away from my sweaty crazy face when Dave stepped in and said “oh hey Paul – how’s it going? I worked in post production.” At which point Paul completely calms down and starts telling Dave what a great job he did and then Dave’s all no you’re great and Paul’s all no you are. And then Dave takes my picture.

And then we walk away and I’m dying of embarrassment and telling Dave that I looked like a crazy lady and Dave says “no way! Once I said I was in post it was fine and he was totally fine!” To which I explain that Dave never mentioned that I was his wife. So now as far a Paul is concerned he probably feels bad for Dave too because a crazy sweaty fan made some nice post production guy take the picture. You know … or he’s Paul Rudd for crissakes and doesn’t think anything because he meets a million people a day and why would he? So here is the picture. I’m sweaty, dehydrated, and the most embarrassing wife ever. Oh and my head looks GIGANTIC next to Paul’s sweet tiny head behind me. And Dave, god bless him, was like I have no idea what you’re talking about, you looked beautiful to me.Oh and FYI – Dave also mentioned how soft Paul's hands were when he shook hands with him. Swoon.

Awesome! Just Awesome!

2008-07-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

I love the 80's! Recently I was trying to describe one of my fave commercials from the 80's to Dave. In between episodes of Silver Spoons and Eight is Enough the Mormons put out these sweet commercials! And every kid I know knew every word and we loved them. And now thanks to youtube I can finally share ...

Below is my super favorite and stars Alfonso Ribeiro! You might know him from Fresh Prince of Bel Air but he was also Ricky Schroeder's best friend on Silver Spoons. Ooooooooooooohhhhhhh and how I loved Ricky Schroeder. I planned our unicorn theme wedding like every day in 4th grade.
And next is a bonus commercial! Basically when my parents weren't trying to scare the crap out of me about lying the nice folks at the Church of Latter Day Saints were doing a fantastic job of making telling the truth look awesome. So watch this while I go hug my My Little Pony. :)PS - Shout out to EvilKate and my sister who both know every word to these commercials too!

Monkey Baby

2008-07-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

Awesome convo with my boss yesterday –

Me: “I hate when I’m in your office and people just walk right in and interrupt. Like – what if I was telling you something important like Oh my god James I’m totally pregnant with a monkey baby and I don’t know what to do!”

James: “Ya but it would be pretty awesome to have a monkey baby right? That’s not really a problem. It would be so great.”

Dear Universe ...

2008-07-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

I’m done now.

Hi Boys and Girls. Long time no blog right? So I have had a lot to blog about. We went and visited my sister in Chicago. Super fun! We went to see Coldplay. Amazing. And we’ve made some new friends and hung out with old friends and have had quite a nice summer so far. Until now …

I will try and blog about all that stuff later but right now we are in the middle of a little unplanned renovation that is trying my and Dave’s patience. And I have to say – Dave has more patience than anyone I know.

We had planned to redo our bathroom floors because one was kind of feeling “squishy” and we wanted to make our house prettier. (My words obviously.) So we set out with a little refinance and big plans for tiled bathroom floors. Ohhhhhh Ahhhhhh. Now we’re REPLACING the entire bathroom floors and sub-floors in both bathrooms. Thanks termites! You know what makes bathroom floors squishy? Termites! Termites eating them starting probably from when the house was built! You know what else makes the floors squishy? The a-hole ex-owner who obviously knew about the termites and choose to add en extra layer of plywood flooring over decaying plywood flooring rather than treating the areas for freaking termites!

Uh. I hate to sound like my Dad here but hey ex-owner a-hole guy – Anything worth doing is worth doing right the first time! You know … or you could just cover it up and move out so that Goldilocks Squishy Floors finds it seven years later.

Oh man … I have shed a few tears over this. Dave and I have spent several sleepless nights over this. But we found an amazing contactor who has put 99% of my fears to rest. He even promised me without laughing that I would not get bitten by any gross disgusting termites in the middle of the night. He is going to kill them all and Dave and I are hoping we can hear them scream! By the way – have you ever seen a termite? Ugh. They are tiny gross little white maggoty looking things with legs. Enough to make you squirm a lot!

Anyhoodle … here are some fun pics and I hope my next blog is something more along the lines of check out my new Ferrari! Or something like that …

Here are the kitties being pissed off at the vet when we took them to sleep over this morning. They don’t understand why they can’t just stay home and “supervise” the extermination?Here is what my living room looks like tonight with all of the plywood. Dave said “Baby! You wanted hardwood floors and I got em for ya!”And these are the floorboard thingys I will be tiptoeing across to take a shower in the morning. Try not to be jealous.And this is where I’ll be sleeping tonight. I heart Tylenol PM. That’s all I gotta say. I might start taking them in the daytime too.

Options

2008-05-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

You know ... in case you were wondering what it's like to take Dave to the mall on a holiday weekend ...

Back by Popular Demand!

2008-05-07T15:46:00.001-07:00

Never say Never

2008-05-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

Something I thought WOULD NEVER HAPPEN –

The bottom of my running shoes look like someone was like running on them and stuff and I might even have to get another pair.

Dave is a Pretty Awesome Husband.

2008-05-06T18:07:00.001-07:00

Hey Everybody!

Okay so usually I post hilarious conversations that I have with Dave but today … today I gotta give it up. About a year ago I started harassing Dave about getting beach cruisers and I started telling him how we could bike to brunch on Sundays and how we could bike at the beach and wouldn’t it be like so fun?Dave’s reaction was mostly to be like yeah - whatever - sure - whatever you want - thinking that eventually I would forget about it. But I didn’t forget about it and this year I pretty much forced him into it. :) And here’s the thing about Dave … sometimes it takes him a while to realize that I won’t give it up and juuuuuuuuust about that time is when he totally gets on board and then he makes my day. So this weekend he voluntarily went to Sport Chalet and REI by himself, bought a bike rack, built it, and put the bikes on it without me even asking!We had plans to go to Huntington Beach anyway to pick up some Radiohead tickets this weekend so we brought our bikes too. The car ride was pretty quiet because we were both crossing our fingers that the bike rack wouldn’t fall off and we were reeeeeeeeally stressed about causing a pile up on the 405 but we totally made it and it was so fun! Also – we didn’t even have to wear our helmets because no one else was and we didn’t want to look like dorks. Insecure? Yes. Willing to look silly? No.Oh – but when we took this picture these skater kids came by and kind of mocked us for taking pictures of our bikes. Anyhoo – Thanks Dave for getting us bikes and building a bike rack and for basically caving to all the stuff I am always kind of coercing you into. And also – thanks for taking it seriously when I tell you that I am going to do things that are next to impossible and certainly slightly ridiculous. You know – like telling you I'm doing the mud-run thing when I won’t even go camping.

Charlie the Unicorn

2008-05-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

Charlton Heston Loves Kittens Too!

2008-05-05T14:23:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend Dave and I took a little trip to Lancaster to go to an NRA banquet with my boss. Yes – you heard me – I said NRA. I am sorta used to the rednecks and whatnot so I thought it would be fun. And Dave is all into guns lately so he wanted to go too.

All in all it was a cool experience – you know peppered by white trash and things I wanted to be horrified by but couldn’t say anything until we got in the car. I documented a few things for those of you who did not grow up in the country and/or the Bible Belt.This is my boss James. He and Dave wore their cowboy boots. I made him pose like this.With your ticket you automatically get this giant ridiculous NRA pocketknife. Dude – not in my pocket is all I have to say.This is Dave re-enacting the Pledge of Allegiance. We said that and sang God Bless America and applauded the servicemen and police and firemen. It was very patriotic and my favorite part. I heart America a lot and even if it's not a popular opinion I get it that we need to defend our freedom.This was the auctioneer! He looked and sounded like Kenny Rogers. I love Kenny Rogers and I know every word to The Gambler. Good stuff!This was a buffalo head that made me want to cry. Also – you could win a trip to go bear hunting in Alaska. The guy selling the tickets told me all about the trip and when he was all done I was like “But the bear dies at the end right?” And he was like “Yeah.” And I was like “Later!”I really don’t think that a coat rack made from deer feet would go over well in LA.Perhaps you would like to win a shotgun in a raffle?Even the raffle tickets had guns on them.

I do have to say that everyone at the dinner was really nice and it even made me miss some of the idiots I know from home. Also - the guy behind us with the flask that kept yelling “Does she have big boobs???” whenever the auctioneer mentioned that a pretty lady was walking around selling raffle tickets was awesome. And I totally support everyone’s right to bear arms. I just wish that people didn’t need guns and killing so much. James did mention though that there is a demolition derby in Lancaster and I am all over that!

The apocalypse is near …

2008-04-30T14:44:00.000-07:00

Today I started another 5 weeks of bootcamp. That’s right people - I have already made it through the first 5 weeks and I lost 10 pounds!

Also - When I found out how many calories were in my “healthy” chicken sandwich from The Habit I almost freaked. So today I ate my first veggie burger. And I haven’t died from it. Yet.

Maybe tomorrow I will stop using the F-word and give up Ranch. J/K! J/K! That is never happening … and I mean n-e-v-e-r.

Beach Bunnies!

2008-04-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

This weekend Dave and I got Beach Cruisers!Dave insisted that I get a helmet. I didn’t want to because of fashion and stuff but he is making me.
Our convo last week regarding the helmet:
D: You have to get a helmet!
C: Don’t really want to.
D: What if you fall off and get a head injury? I don’t want to be married to a vegetable!
C: If that happens you can totally get a girlfriend. It’s okay with me as long as you just feed me and stuff.
D: No way! Because when I bring her home it will be awkward when I have to say “Hold on let me just turn Courtney’s wheelchair around so she can’t see.”
C: Fine. Then I am getting a basket and a bell and you can’t stop me.
D: Uhhhhh okay then.This is my shiny new bell!And both bikes totally fit in the car! I was pretty much smashed against the windshield but still. :)

Nutsnack?

2008-04-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

Nutsnack – (Noun)
Used to describe a snack (in separate ziplock bags) of the 12 nuts I have allotted for one particular snack period while on this ugly weight loss journey.

Use in a sentence:
I’m so full from my 64 ounces of water that I couldn’t possibly find room for even one more nutsnack!

P.S. I don’t recommend googling “nuts” either. Just sayin …

I Heart Self Destruction.

2008-04-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ummmmmmmm

Wow. I just had the most jarring experience. I just ate lunch and I am totally full … but then I was like … well just one chocolate caramel couldn’t hurt right? Because I did lose 2 lbs. this week …

So I started chewing it … and the guilt crept in … and I was like WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF? I totally spit it out in the trash. Yesterday I worked out twice (that has n-e-v-e-r happened before) and today I am fighting with caramels.

This is going to be never-freaking-ending.

Highlight from bootcamp the other day:

John the trainer: Man – I keep sniffling. I need to figure out what I’m allergic to.
Me: I think you might be allergic to hot bitches.
John: Dude – were you a lot of trouble in college?
Me: Not just college. :)

P.S. - I looked for a picture of the chocolate in question but do you know what happens when you google for images of chocolate?

3 Down - 97 To Go!

2008-04-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a week and I lost 3 whole pounds! To celebrate here is a picture of my hard boiled egg that I left in my bosses fridge. (Guess who drew their face on it?)

I would rather celebrate with a Cadbury egg but that's probably what got me here in the first place. :)

This was actually a post for Friday - Oops!

2008-03-30T17:38:00.000-07:00

2 For 2!

We made it again this morning at 6am! And it was a little tougher to get up but we totally did it.

The highlight from today is:

During crunches our trainer is telling us to touch our toes that are up in the air and I say –
"I couldn't touch my toes if I was on trial for murder."
He's says "What the hell does that even mean?" :)
And I say "I have no idea."

Total. Friday. Morning. Delirium. … Total.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life - No Seriously.

2008-03-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

Day 1

So Dave and Erin and I survived our first day of boot camp! I cried a little when I was jogging but no one saw. It was more just sniffles. Because it was super hard!

And I felt a little dumb and didn't want to hold up anyone else. However, everyone was super supportive and soon my fear of getting kicked out for being too out of shape subsided and I did everything I could. The highlight was when the trainer said "You are all going to be sore but it will get better when your body knows what's coming." And I said "The only thing that my body thinks is coming is a log of Thin Mints" and therein lies the problem!

Also - I gotta say - Erin kicks some serious ass! To get me and Dave out there at 6 in the morning and be cheery and telling me how great I am when I couldn't even muster enough breath to squeeze out a "you too!" Geez! And did I mention that she also beat cancer's ass last year? (Hope I'm not getting in trouble for telling that – but seriously folks!) If Erin can do this with all of the other stuff she's beat and she's not even tired then I can run around the park 3 times a week. Oh and also Dave was yelling "I'M PROUD OF YOU" the whole time (when he wasn't cussing at Erin :) ) so he gets husband bonus points too!

Happy Easter to My Peeps!

2008-03-21T09:22:00.001-07:00

Dave’s first Easter with the Fells went something like this –
Dave – “Are you sure it will be fun? I’m Jewish and I don’t know very much about Jesus”
Me – “Ummmm neither do we.”

1 hour into Easter Sunday …
Dave – “This isn’t about Jesus – it’s all about chocolate!”
My Mom – “Yep! – pretty much.”

Neighborhood of Make-Believe

2008-03-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

I was going to post a blog today full of bad words and really unkind words for Washington Mutual. I was going to say how much I loathe them, how they have closed my accounts 4 times for “fraud” that they couldn’t explain, and that had nothing to do with me. Yesterday was a no good very bad day at the Berman house thanks to Washington Mutual.

The reason I say all this is because I was still really mad at Washington Mutual when I found out that today would have been Mr. Rogers 80th birthday. I love him and what he was all about and really … couldn’t we all use some of Mr. Rogers in our every day lives? So I’m going to just swallow it and move on…

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day
Since we're together we might as well say
Would you be mine, could you be mine
Won't you be my neighbor
Won't you please, won't you please
Please won't you be my neighbor

Happy Birthday Mr. RogersOh and P.S. - You haven't lived until you see the episode where Mr. Rogers takes you to the crayon factory. It's the best!

I Heart Flipper

2008-03-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

I love my job and here’s why –

Last week I had to fill out my portion of my review. This basically consists of listing my accomplishments, goals, etc. At the bottom of my portion there is a question about career plans or interests. It also asks if you would like to move to another location. My office is 10 minutes from the beach so ummmm no way. :) I also love my job and my boss.

So last week when I filled this out I wrote that unless I could be … say … a dolphin trainer or something I would be perfectly content staying right here in my current position. I cracked myself up emailed my review to my boss.

The next day I was at lunch with Danielle and I got an email forwarded to me on my iPhone from my boss (James). (Remember him? The guy with the candy corn in his nostrils.) The subject line said – “I just gave notice” My heart started beating really fast. I immediately had like a thousand questions. Mainly WTF? Then I read on …

I wanted to tell you to your face, but couldn’t quite bring myself to do it. This is easier.

I know I have been acting a little weird the last week, but I was offered another position that is an incredible opportunity AND it is closer to home so I just couldn’t pass it up.

I will be working at Six Flags Magic Mountain at their new Dolphin exhibit that opens this spring. I will be in a 6-week training program starting after Easter and will then assume the duties as Assistant to the head Dolphin Trainer. I am told that I will able to spend a lot of time in the tank, with the Dolphins, and there will be plenty of room for advancement (providing of course that the Dolphins like me).

Anyway, it’s been great. I’ll miss you.

James

Touché James! I totally fell for it and I was devastated. If James wasn’t my boss I would totally go work at the Gap or something.

I Don't Know But I've Been Told ...

2008-03-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. I have done something that may or may not kill me. For real people. I signed up for Morning Bootcamp with Dave and my friend Erin.

I wanted to do it so bad that I talked to James and changed my work schedule. So starting Monday the 24th I will be spending three mornings a week at Northridge Park trying not to barf from one too many squats. And I told Dave that I was scared to barf and he was very supportive. He said “Oh you are SO GONNA barf!” Nice. :)But remember this picture? Ya … it hasn’t gone down that much. So I have to sweat at the park so I won’t be the fattest mom and/or pregnant lady on the block next year. Just keeping it real ya’ll.

The Lottery

2008-03-11T15:42:00.001-07:00

The other night at dinner I did something disgusting that I can't remember right now.
Okay maybe I was belching.
Than Dave said "You know - I should stop playing the lottery."
And I'm like "What?"
And Dave says "It's just impossible that I could win twice."
And who can argue with that my friends?

Starbucks - White Chocolate Mocha ...

2008-02-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

2 days in a row.
Will it help?
I don't know ...

Driving Miss Daisy

2008-02-21T14:38:00.000-08:00

I’m 32. I have been driving for over 15 years. I have never had an "at fault" accident. Today I hit a car. A Mercedes of course. Nobody got hurt but I feel like a total asshole and it’s going to cost a bunch of money. Not happy … not happy at all. I’m drinking Starbucks now … I was hoping it would help. It doesn’t. And now my car has to go to the Doctor. Ugh.

Miss Valentine

2008-02-20T15:30:00.000-08:00

Hi Everybody!
This post is looooooooooooooong overdue!You have all met my BFF Kate right? Well – she finally had her baby! Dave and I went to visit and we took some great pictures. She is adorable, loud, and well … adorable. And her name is Stella Valentine! We got lucky and got to celebrate meeting Stella and Kate’s birthday all in one weekend! I think Katy and Joe are sleep deprived but they look great and Joe is changing a lot of diapers!

My fave convo from the visit:

Dave:“Me and Joe are going to the shooting range. You and Katy can stay here and show each other your vaginas or whatever it is girls do when they hang out.”
Me:“Ummm Dave … I’m not sure what you think happens but that’s not it.”
(Dave and Joe leave)
Kate:“SO – You want to see my C-section scar?”
Me:“Totally!”

And now … an ode to Stella Valentine …

Dear Stella Valentine,

We have been waiting for you for what seems like for-ev-er! We rubbed your mom’s belly and we wished and we hoped and you are finally here!

On the night you were born I had taken Dave to his first Garth Brooks concert and we kept checking for messages. Right before we went inside your Dad had texted Dave and told us you were on the way and we couldn’t wait! We knew that you had been taking your sweet time (sorry but you did take a while) :) and we were worried. … so we waited … and checked our cell phones … and we waited … And Dave said “I hope Katy and Joe are okay.” … And I sniffled and nodded … and we waited … and we went home after the concert and waited … and we laid in bed and talked about how great it would be when you were finally here … and we waited … and then in the morning we all got a text to say that you finally decided to come out!

I jumped out of bed when I heard it and read it to Uncle Dave. And then … he said he was so happy … and he sniffled too … and so did I. Because we know what a great life you have in store for you and how beautiful it is that you were born to such special parents. Your parents are two of the most special people that we know … and I mean really special. So welcome! I wish you many many years of growing and learning and rule breaking and laughing. And when you are old enough … I will tell you hilarious stories about your mom and dad that will make you laugh some more. And it will be amazing. And we all can’t wait!

I8A4RE

2008-02-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

A lot has been going on lately but I have been lagging a bit on the blogging.

The most exciting thing that has happened is that my BFF EvilKate finally had her Evil Baby!

There will be a much better post about that soon but Welcome Stella Valentine! Stella will be very loved by maaaaaaaany friends and family. Dave and I flew up to meet her last weekend and I will post all the pics soon. She is a precious little bug and I am so happy she’s here!

In the meantime – I will share this awesome tidbit with you –

So Dave and I head to the Burbank Airport nice and early for our flight on Friday afternoon. When we get there we find out that our flight is 2 ½ hours late. Of course. So we settled in for a wait at the bar. I was keeping myself busy on my iphone when all of a sudden Dave says “Isn’t that Ian Ziering?” I was like WHAAAAAAAAT? I almost broke my neck to look - and sure enough – It. Was. As I live and breathe it was the real Steve Sanders. Ahhhhhh I felt like Brenda the first day she met Dylan. (And if you don’t know what I am talking about you may as well stop reading now – because this is about to get annoying.)

I immediately turned to Dave and asked him to take a picture of us and he said no way was he getting involved and I was like “Okay later!” And I ran over to ask. Also - Let me just say for the record that I see celebrities all the time and I never even so much as stare because I know they hate it. But this is Steve Sanders! And once I ate breakfast next to Luke Perry and never said anything and I totally regret it. So I did it. I went up to him and told him I was a HUGE 90210 fan and he kind of laughed and said “okay – I can appreciate that.” And then his friend took the picture. And here it is.Then I called Celese and we sang the theme song … and then I sang the theme song all night until I went to bed. At one point Dave said I could only sing it 2 more times before he was going to kill me but I kept going because my love for Steve is stronger than my fear of Dave. I have seen every episode of 9-0 there is and I am not the least bit embarrassed.

Donna Martin graduates!

I Heart This!

2008-01-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

I Heart Religion!

2008-01-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

Amusing recent convo between me and Dave.

Me: Hey I heard that Germany is trying to make Scientology illegal.

Dave: That is awesome!

Me: Ummm Dave?

Dave: Ya.

Me: Germany doesn’t exactly have the best track record for religious tolerance.

Dave. Oh yeah.

Ain't Nuthin But A Numba

2008-01-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

Yep! Those are my toes and my number. Are you surprised? Because here’s the thing – whenever I tell anyone my number the usual response is “No Way!” And I’m not sure if that is because I carry it all in my boobs or people are just being nice.

Either way – here’s the deal. The number needs to go down – by 100. Because next year I want to get knocked up and there is no room for a baby in there. Not with all the Oreos and whatnot currently occupying baby space.

So I started on Friday and I am actually doing well. I haven’t chewed my leg off yet and I can still drink Diet Coke. However, I will probably eventually break up with Diet Coke too because I know our relationship is probably toxic and even though I love Diet Coke it’s probably hurting my bones. Dammit! I heart toxic relationships. (Excluding Dave of course – he is much the opposite of toxic)

When I took a picture of the scale Dave said “Are you going to put that on the internet?” And I said “yep!” And he said “WOW.” And I said “I know … Holy Shit.” So there it is. And I swear to god that number ends today. On the real.

Cough

2008-01-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

Long time … no blog. And now I am El Sicko. Guess where I caught it?

Above is a photo of Piglet trying to save us from the evil humidifier.

I spent the weekend in bed coughing and watching reality TV on TiVo. 6 episodes of Run’s House! Thank goodness Rock of Love has a new season.

Ummmm when is the strike going to be over? Don’t get me wrong … I love Wife Swap but if this keeps up I might actually have to go to the gym or something to pass the time.

I Talk to Animals

2007-12-12T09:51:00.000-08:00

Alright … alright … only because I love Danielle and I love talking about myself (why fight it – everyone knows I do) I am going to do this blog tag thingy. But here’s the thing – I can’t tag anyone else because everyone I know with a blog has been tagged. My social network of bloggers is kinda small. Oh and Cougar Bait would punch me in the face if I tagged him. It would be like making him go to a Tupperware party or something.

Okay so here goes -

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
Okay done!

2. Share 7 facts about yourself.
Going to in just one minute.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
Totally do not have 7 more friends that would not punch me in the face.

4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
Again – worried about my face

Here are my facts people!

1. I like to say I will punch people in the face a lot. I would never really punch you in the face though, because frankly I am scared of violence and I don’t want to hurt my hand. Even though I might verbally abuse you instead - I am really a delicate flower and I feel bad when I hurt people’s feelings – EVEN if they totally deserve it.
2. I have a HUGE guilty conscience! I feel bad about what I eat, what I said to you yesterday, returning things at the mall, not answering the phone when I don’t want to talk, or simply not paying attention when you’re talking. I feel bad about minor shit all the time and it’s really lame.
3. I don’t really like to travel at all. And when everyone asked how my trip to Australia was what I really wanted to say was – “I liked the people but I had the worst time because I was tired and cranky and hot and had vertigo and the flight took forever and I missed my cats.” I did love the Koala Bears and people but most of the time when I am away from home I just want to go home. And I think that sometimes people who say they love to travel just like to sound all “I need some shit to say to make me sound cool on my Elimidate application”. Oops … I feel bad for saying that too. :)
4. I love animals! And I think that they love me. And I think that on some weird level I can communicate with them like Dr. Doolittle and I am not kidding about my special powers one bit.
5. Footloose is my favorite movie and I think Ren is a fox! I can also recite the movie and every song word for word.
6. I was in a sorority in college and while it was fun and I wouldn’t take it back – I sorta think that it perpetuates women being mean to each other and I am not necessarily a super fan of sororities anymore.
7. I am going on a cruise with the Bermans next week! We are going to play Bingo, swim with turtles and dolphins (Yep! I will be talking to them too!), and eat cookies by the pool with Dave’s family.

Happy Hanukkah everybody! Please enjoy a pic of last night’s festival of lights. It was the last crazy night! Please note the giant Jesus candle hiding behind the menorah too. Give JC a shout out!

Fortune Cookie say ...

2007-12-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

Some days Dave leaves popsicles on the couch … other days he is meticulous. Is there a method to his madness?The other day we got Chinese delivery. Dave was taking FOR-EV-ER in the kitchen getting his dinner. When I called from the other room to see what he was doing all I heard was giggling. Then he returned with his plate - That looked like this. He was so pleased with himself and talked to me about the importance of presentation. Well Okay then.

Happy Happy Birthday!

2007-12-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

Wow – Celese, Danielle, and James did an amazing job on my cube today!As you may know … I was an Alpha Xi Delta in college. Well if you ask a sister they will tell you that they are an Alpha Xi for life. Ummmm okay well anyhoo …

Celese did not miss a single detail. From the blue and gold to the bear she nailed it!And they also added some Hello Kitty in for good measure. Madison (Danielle’s daughter) sent me a Hello Kitty pen and notepad and Celese and Pat even gave me the same Hello Kitty card that Dave did this morning. Love it!

I love all animals but Hello Kitty is my fave! And I would take you out with a sorority song but I only remember the dirty ones and those are secret! I think we all know how well I can keep a secret too so ask me next time I see you and I will sing it for ya! :)

Hangin with my gnomies

2007-12-03T12:56:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas from the Gnome in my bosses office!

Berman vs Berman

2007-11-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

A lot of daily life with Dave and I revolves around popsicles. I never really liked them much until we started dieting all the time and now I have an addiction (as does Dave) to sugar free popsicles. My drug of choice is Diet Dr.Pepper and Root Beer and Dave’s is Lifesaver flavored. We eat boxes at a time and that creates a lot of empty sticks!

I like to give Dave lectures on cleaning up after himself. I really like giving him lectures on throwing away his popsicle sticks. He doesn’t like to throw them away until there is like - a whole pile of them. And once I came home to a giant orange stain on the couch because he accidentally forgot about a popsicle and left it to melt! I am sure that I do stuff that annoys Dave too but he doesn’t have a blog - so he did something else genius to point out that I am not so perfect. He took this picture. On my phone. When I wasn’t looking. And then … I went to look for a picture and I saw that he had taken one of my popsicle stick graveyard beside my side of the bed.
Touché Berman! Watch your back.

Oh and yes – That is Make Love Like a Porn Star by Jenna Jameson on my bookcase. And yes I read it. And no – there wasn’t anything in there that I didn’t already know. Thanks for asking!

It's Fall Ya'll!

2007-11-12T15:45:00.000-08:00

Life has been sorta uneventful lately but here is a peek into the excitement!
Dave’s mom got us a Wii. Wii weren’t sure if wii would be into it but it turns out that wii are. Dave really is! He got me a pink holder thingy for my controller (Dave is good like that) and he bought Guitar Hero III on Saturday. He was supposed to sleep over with me on Saturday night (I am babysitting for 2 weeks) but got all antsy to go home. Guess why? Sweatpants, popsicles, and Guitar Hero III anyone? Hell ya!This is Cooper! He is the kitty cat that I am babysitting along with 3 teenage ladies. You would think the ladies would be harder to handle but this little guy yells loud! He is all bendy and cute and he tires himself out yelling and then passes out. Doesn’t it look like he is wearing his best grey furry pants? He is my new best friend.We used gnomes in my office for an event we had. My gnome is now guarding my garden at home but my bosses’ gnomes are in his office. Every day someone moves them to hilarious places and we haven’t figured out who is moving them. (Or hello – they ARE Gnomes – maybe they are moving themselves!) And last week when we came in this is what they were doing. The horror! Gnome sex in the office is never appropriate. And I love it.

And here they are ...

2007-10-31T15:59:00.001-07:00

Ummmmm here is my office extravaganza

Elvis Everybody!

Class of 1986 Prom!

Our chaperone spiking the punch!

The Informa Idol judges!

Stevie Wonder!

And last but certainly not least ...
Britney and two Lohan's Ya'll!

I love my job so I have no comments on all of this :)

Whore O' Ween

2007-10-31T08:53:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween everybody!

Okay so here’s the thing … I am THE GRINCH of Halloween. I sorta hate Halloween. Which is inconvenient because it is a huge deal at my work. So I have to dress up almost every year. And this year too. As I type I have rainbow eyeshadow on. Lovely.

Pictures will follow this post because I have to wait for my co workers to finish their departments but you can bet your ass they will be up later. (Or tomorrow morning)

All I’m saying is that if you work an office job maybe a French maid costume is not the best bet. I do not want to see your ass cheek hanging out of your fishnet stockings that have a run in them in the elevator. Ever.

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

My boss is hilarious … and basically the best boss I have ever had. And I would never tell him about my blog so you know I am telling the truth!

This is what he did the other day while we were on a conference call with a vendor. Then he stuck his tongue out to grab the candy corn out of his nose. Then we both laughed so hard we turned red and shook because it was the kind of no noise laughter you have to do when on a conference call and everyone thinks you are paying attention when in fact you are SO not.

There's No Crying In Baseball!

2007-10-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

I know I owe a few blogs … but fuh now … World Series starts tomorrow …

You like apples?
I got her numbah …
How you like them apples?

Shalom Motherf***ers!

2007-10-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

Look who has a new leisure suit!

Stay away from my Jewish Pimp ladies. That fineness is ALL mine.

Being Mrs. Berman

2007-10-17T18:02:00.000-07:00

This was my desk Monday morning. Awesome! I heart Celese and Danielle. This was seriously funny. :)

Kindred Spirit

2007-10-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

Have you guys met my friend Erin?

If you were at the wedding then the answer is definitely yes! She was workin it like she was workin “at” it!

I have lived with Erin twice and have known her for at least 10 years. And she totally still loves me! (Miracle) We have been though all the trials and tribulations of friendship but we have laughed more than anything. Erin “gets it” without me having to explain it. AND she lets me talk as much as I need to. Which … ahem … can be quite a bit.

When I told Erin that I was finally going to marry Dave she was excited (to say the least!) and she jumped right in to help. I think she loves Dave almost as much as I do. And as time went on I really needed her. She made all the programs and insisted we use ribbon. (Seems like a small thing but - good call) And she asked me all kinds of questions about the ceremony and about who was supposed to do this or that. I started to hope against hope that she would take over. So I offered her a corsage and some power and she took it and ran with it. She made my wedding day! My mom’s friends asked who our coordinator was because they thought Erin rocked! She also drove me to the wedding. Which was both fun and super special. That’s her in the front of this photo.

Here’s to you Erin Kiser! You are strong, special, and hilarious and I love you. Thank you for all you have invested in me - and Dave and I as a couple. There are no words to express just how much we owe you … in love and respect. You will always have a place in our home and our hearts.

It's Finally Legal!

2007-10-15T21:21:00.001-07:00

Hey Everybody!

It’s fall (my favorite time of year) and it’s time to get my ass in gear and start blogging again. Katy challenged me to the one a day blog like she’s doing, so - I’m in! Even if no-one is reading I am totally in! Which is good because I have missed a lot of stuff that I have not blogged about! The most important being Dave’s Medieval Times birthday!

I will get to that but let’s get the obvious out of the way shall we?

Big D and I FINALLY got married. Man O Man … It took a while in between the planning and more planning but it finally happened.

So many friends and family came to share our special day … it is hard to even put into words how all of these special souls helped us. Not just with the wedding but with our journey there and with the marriage part. You know who you are.

So on with it! I would like to personally blog about everyone that did so much for us so here’s the deal – Along the way with my daily blogs (probably not counting weekends – I’m lazy) I think I will make it a different person as often as I can. In no particular order of course … because I could never choose and everyone is equally number one.

Well okay … everyone is number two … because Big D is number one. Simply because he married me and he cried at the ceremony. But number two is a great f-ing spot.

Flower Power

2007-08-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

Flower Girl Number 1

Flower Girl Number 2

Prepare yourselves to be overwhelmed with Hello Kitty, ice cream faces, and giggles! I am so excited that these two are back home from traveling and that I get to have them and Robbie and Meri at the wedding! Such a special treat!

Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.

2007-07-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

Dave is going to kill me for this one but –

If there is any question as to why we are a perfect match, this picture should sum it up for you. This is Dave in the birthday outfit at our favorite local Teppanyaki place.

My cousin Megan (with her adorable friend Kate!) was in town so he took all of us out to dinner. Then he got them to give him the birthday outfit (not on his birthday - although it is coming up!) and let him behind the grill.

Oh Dave how I love theeeeeeeeeee …

Also Megan tipped us off to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

Which may be the most perfect You Tube video e-v-e-r.

Happy Friday!

Smelly Cat

2007-07-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

In the last few weeks I have had some new neighbors move in to my cube neighborhood at work. For those of you that know me well you know - that I am - how would you say … not so patient with idiocy.

So when I got two new neighbors I thought I would stray from my usual crankiness and give them the benefit of the doubt.

My mistake.

On Friday I was greeted with a gum chomper. The chomping is so loud it is as though I am sitting next to a cow. You want to know the kicker? The gum chomper wears earplugs so as not to be disturbed while he is working!

Then yesterday one of the IT guys walked by and said “Ewwww it smells like urine in your department.” I was like “WHAT?”

So I went to lunch and breathed fresh air and came back and you know what?

It doesn’t just smell like urine it smells like dirty clothes and dirty hair! It smells in my neighborhood as though I live under the freeway and my neighbors are hobos and bums. When I came in this morning it was even worse. Great.

I shower every morning and add a delightful coating of coconut lime verbena lotion to be greeted with the gross and grosser stinky gum chomping neighbors. And now I am grouped in with the department that smells like we live in a van down by the river.

Perfect. Just fucking perfect.

Why I Heart Dave

2007-07-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Dave and I were driving and I said to him –

“Can you believe it’s only 75 days until the wedding?”

And Dave said –

“I can’t wait to marry your ass! You’re goin down motherfucker!”

And they say romance is dead …

Desperate?

2007-07-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

This is the best that Miss New Jersey could do for a publicity scandal? Honestly.

Ren is a Total Fox!

2007-07-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

I heard this morning that they are re-making Footloose. As far as I'm concerned Kevin Bacon is THE only Ren McCormick but I am in! Footloose is my favorite movie OF ALL TIME.

"I thought only pansies wore neckties."
"See that? I thought only assholes used the word pansy."

"Willard! I said no fighting!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Kick his ass!"

"Hey McCormick! When this hat flies in the air, you better have your butt in gear."

"People think she's a hellraiser."
"Is she?"
"I think she's been kissed a lot."

"Hey, hey! What's this I see? I thought this was a party. LET'S DANCE!"

I heart Ren and Ariel. And I miss Chris Penn.

Candy, Porn, and Hello Kitty

2007-07-09T10:30:00.001-07:00

When I was little my mom used to take me to a store called Frys. It was right next door to the grocery store and they had all kinds of yarn and crafty stuff. Also – there was a popcorn machine so every time we went my sister and I got popcorn. Those bags came in handy too when I barfed in the car on the way home but I digress. Frys was a good fun place.

So when a random Sunday came and Dave wanted to go to Fry’s I was like Okay! I hadn’t been in a long time and thought it would be fun.

My bad.

Fry’s is not the same as Frys. I’m not sure if it has something to do with the apostrophe or what but it is no bueno! Fry’s is THE computer Mecca. A virtual be all end all to all things technical and nerd related. I should have known that my nerd did not want to go to a craft store with popcorn – he wanted to go to his Holy Place. The motherland of motherboards.

On my first visit I learned a lot.

Me - “Why is there like all this computer stuff and also huge aisles of porn and candy?”

Dave – “What do you think nerds do all day? They’re not on dates. Plus the sugar helps you stay up late for gaming.”

Me – “Oh.”

Also as a sidenote – All Fry’s have a theme. We have two close to us and one is Alien Invasion and the other is Alice in Wonderland. And seriously - there are giant aliens on the walls or giant playing cards hanging from the ceiling. What the?

I try to avoid Fry’s now at all costs (Seriously – I drop off my nerd and go to Nordstrom.) but yesterday Dave promised to buy me a new alarm clock and a rhinestone wireless Hello Kitty mouse, so I went willingly. My bad. Again.

I asked the girl in the mouse row if they had any Hello Kitty mice and she nerd shamed me! She actually laughed in my face and said maybe in software. Even I know that a mouse isn’t software. Bitch just wanted me to ask someone in software so they could laugh too.

And then I got busted for trying to text my sister a picture of the alien on the wall.
“Ma’am – you can’t be taking pictures in here!”
Or what the dorklore will escape via picture message?

I like Best Buy better where the salespeople only know like a tiny bit more than me. But Dave says the HDMI cables there cost twice as much. And thank god we got that cable because although I don’t know what HDMI means I know it makes my new Jenna DVD from Fry’s a lot more clear.

Pass the Twizzlers please!

Holy Shit! - Literally.

2007-07-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

So there is a new diet pill on the market named Alli. And if you eat too much fat while taking the pill you have what the company calls an “Alli-oops”. Which means – you crap your pants.

Yes people - it makes you crap your pants!

What? The? F*&%? Is? Dieting? Coming? To?

In the story on MSNBC this morning there are a bunch of tips like - wear Depends, use infant diapers as a large pad, and wear dark pants. Ummmm how about just don’t eat a bunch of shit and tough it out like the rest of us on the treadmill in the dead of summer?

This is a direct quote from a user. Try not to barf –

It can strike any time — even in the early hours of the morning. One user writes: “Ya know how when you start moving around in the morning ya pass a little gas. Well, I did and then went into the bathroom and to my horror I had an orange river of grease running down my leg.”

I don’t even know what to say and I my friends, I am the Queen of TMI. An orange river of grease? Jesus!

On a lighter note - Mr. McSquirrelson was back in action this morning. This time I laughed out loud at him and he happily posed for a picture. I heart him! He is getting so fat! And he’s almost out of seeds. I have a sneaky suspicion that someday soon I will run into him making a bar-b-q sunflower seed run at 7-11. At least that’s the cartoon strip I have running through my head today.

Also - KROQ was playing the Beastie Boys License to Ill this morning when I got in the car. Nice!

What’s the time? It’s time to get Ill!

Dammit why does Ill look like 3 lines? Happy Friday Everybody!

Party People

2007-07-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

So - This photo was totally staged but this is what we all felt like yesterday after sitting in the heat, eating guacamole, swimming, hot tubbing, margarita drinking, kabob bar-b-q-ing, and eating Reddi-Whip right out of the can!

Mmmmmm summer is good.

I heart the 4th of July.

Mr. Bluebird On My Shoulder ...

2007-07-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Ooooooooo I feel like Snow White. I bet you guys think I am just weird animal lady but I prefer to think of myself as Snow White. Oh hello there Mr. Bluejay – And Good Morning to you itsy bitsy spider and tiny hummingbirds.

Let me introduce you to Mr. McSquirrelson. This is our chatty neighborhood squirrel. And by chatty I mean that he screeches and yells at the cats through the sliding glass door! And then the cats sort or make a sound that sounds like “meep meep meep” and they look at me for help. ;) I assume he does it at everyone’s house because he is quite fat and probably eats his fair share of garbage and cat food.

Mr. McSquirrelson also reeeeeeeeeeeeeally likes sunflower seeds. So much so that he dumped the entire birdfeeder out, ate all the sunflower seeds, and just left us a pile of shells. And birdseed of course. So we went to Petco and got a “Squirrel Proof” birdfeeder block. (Try not to be jealous of our exciting shopping excursions.) So far I haven’t seen very many birds and this morning I found this!

Also – I would like to mention that I tried to take a picture through the window because I didn’t want to startle Mr. McSquirrelson and I wanted to get the shot. I needn’t have worried though because after I opened the door he just stared me down and then yelled at me. I think we know who’s in charge here. And it’s not Snow White … or the cats.

Hotter Than Africa! (And yes - I know people find that expression offensive - why do ya think I used it?)

2007-07-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

Howdy Peeps!

So I haven’t blogged in a while and there’s lots of reasons. Mostly … sometimes life is ummm I don’t know boring? And also … good … but uneventful. Yet not?

Okay so here’s what’s been up –

It’s thirteen trillion degrees in the valley. You know how I know besides the comforting hum of AC and the sleeping with no covers? Check out our neighborhood bully cat taking a snooze in our yard! Usually he is off kicking someone’s ass or torturing other cats through the screen doors but today? Yep … it’s just too damn hot. And also – normally he would never be able to catch any zzzzzzz’s in my yard because Piggles and Fluffy would have alerted the troops but they were too busy snoozing on the bathroom floor because it’s coolest there. And Fluffy got a haircut today. I swore I would never be crazy cat lady that gives haircuts but Fluffhead was just getting too Fluffy and hot. And she actually liked it. Or she didn’t complain. Whichever. ;)

So what else? Oooooooh Big Love is on tonight. Which is good because Dave’s not home. He doesn’t really dig polygamy and the show creeps him out. I think he gets stressed when he watches it because one wife is expensive enough. The thought of keeping more than one lady in Juicy Couture travel sets probably makes him sweat.

Peace out and maybe something exciting will happen this week what with 4th of July and all. Oooooooo how I love 4th of July.

Fork You!

2007-06-11T11:14:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been a little more cranky than usual. My upcoming wedding and the inevitable diet that comes with a monstrous white dress is fast approaching. I eat Think Thin bars everyday for breakfast while pining away for an Egg McMuffin. I eat broccoli and cauliflower and I fantasize about days past when I ate cupcakes and Thin Mints. (Yes. – Sometimes for breakfast. – Don’t judge!)

Yes … I feel better and my jeans are loose and I didn’t even get a lecture at the Dr. this year when they noticed that I had lost for the first time ever … But sometimes I snap at people and wonder … if I had a cookie would I really be getting this upset right now? And when the invitation lady starts talking about colors and mentions chocolate or mocha colored ribbon I immediately think ooooooooooh chocolate … ribbon.

So remember Danielle from Danielle day?

I think I mentioned before that Danielle is awesome! This morning she presented me with the angry dieter’s fork. It has one tine that is flipping you off and attaches nicely to the fridge with a handy magnet! Danielle’s friend and her friend’s mom make the forks and frankly I think I will be investing in them for everyone I know.

Fork you to the Nordstrom half-yearly sale where the fat lady clothes are too big but the next level down is too small! Fork you to Old Navy where there are 2 pants in the EXACT same size and one is too big and one is too small! And a big Fork you to Victoria’s Secret where they only carry DD’s online! Because god forbid a chubby girl bring down the property value in that place!

Fork ... I'm hungry again. Please excuse my ranting and have a nice Monday!

Happy Memorial Day Everybody!

2007-05-28T19:34:00.001-07:00

This weekend was pretty great!

Dave and I went to the Wild Animal Park in San Diego and we fed Rhinos and Giraffes and Bears Oh My! Okay we didn’t pet bears but we did get to feed Rhinos and Giraffes. And I will put up the pictures in my next post but today … is an ode to my dad.

My dad loves America! And not just on the 4th of July either. He puts up the flag almost every day he is home and he even had a special huge flagpole put in when he built our house. My dad lives for hanging out with the family, baseball, hot dogs, fireworks, and parades. I can remember when I was little going to the 4th of July parade in Benicia every year. Dad also loves Disneyland and the state fair too! Every year we went to the state fair and we walked and we sweated and we ate corn dogs until we couldn’t keep our eyes open. And then my dad delivered us safely to our beds at home.

My point is … that I have learned a lot from my dad. Like how important it is to pay your taxes and to do the right thing. Even if it ends up biting you in the ass, at least you will know that you did what you could. My dad means business and he doesn’t put up with any nonsense. But he also shows up with ice cream cones for skinned knees and buys everybody a sweatshirt when it gets cold at Disneyland so that you can stay until the last turn on the Matterhorn.

That’s why I thought of Dad this morning when I put out our flag for Memorial Day. Dave reminded me that we had gotten the flagpole holder so he put it up for me. (Pictured Above) My dad brought this flag down on one of my parents many trips to hang out and also bring me stuff. ;) It’s really awesome and is totally a dad flag because it even has an eagle on top! Thanks Dad for being so patriotic and always reminding me of what my part in this world is. I hope that we are half the parents that you two have been to Regina and I. You guys are the best! And I promise to make an ode to Mom post soon. ;)

Dum it down.

2007-05-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend Dave brought home an excellent movie!

Idiocracy is a Mike Judge (From Office Space) film and it is a fantastic statement on current society and where it is all headed if we keep this nonsense up.

The above picture shows the president 500 years from now. Everything is run by corporations like Karls Jr. and this Gatorade stuff IS the drinking water. Also – everyone is super dumb and is rewarded for being dumb and having numerous kids. And there is a Costco that takes more than an hour to get through. And the number one show on TV is “Ow my balls” where a guy gets repeatedly hit in the nuts. You get the idea.

It was startling that it all seemed so … possible. But then I thought to myself Noooooooo people want to be smart! People want to be good people! And I tried to forget the stupidity (totally real and hilarious though it may be) until this morning when I was driving to work. Is it really necessary for your Dodge Magnum to have a license plate frame that says “My other car is a Fucking West Coast Chopper”? Or how about the filthy 1988 Ford Escort that says “Don’t assume I cook” What? Or apparently clean either ….

And then the Piece de la resistance - the giant lifted truck with like 500 inch wheels that has two golf balls hanging in a nylon sock from the trailer hitch to let me (the person driving behind you) know that you have an enormous set of testicles. (Nevermind the fact that if you need to tell us how big your nuts are we pretty much know that really they are tiny and adorable – or maybe you’re missing one) Is that really necessary? And is it necessary for you - the lady on the 405 to let us all know with your bumper sticker that you can go from 0 to bitch in 4.5 seconds? Because that is just the kind of statement that someone wants to explain the meaning of to their kindergartner that is just learning to read. Wait – do they even teach reading in kindergarten anymore or is that like a 6th grade thing?

Krazy Cat Lady

2007-05-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

Have you met Piggles? She pretty much runs our house. That look on her face where she kinda looks like she hates us is the same look she has every day and she kinda hates us. This is her taking a bath. I say this because this morning I brought brownies into the potluck and there was a long orange whisker in them. I just wanted you to know that it was probably clean.
This is Fluff-head. She is crazy fat and fluffy and sorta dumb. We love her! And she loves us. And every time we give her an ear scratch Piglet comes over and yells at her and bonks her on the head. But thirty seconds later she forgets what happened so it's okay. It might have been a Fluffy hair in there too.

My point is - my brownies are really good but eat them at your own risk. I have apparently reached Krazy Cat lady status and am making potluck brownies with whiskers in them. Although I've gotten sick at enough potlucks in the office to know that there is no way one whisker is gonna kill you.

Also - don't playa hate on our stoopid cat names. Happy Friday!

Oy!

2007-05-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Okay people.

If you know me you know that I am not the secret keeper of all secret keepers. In fact – it is rough on me to keep a bunch of secrets.

I would however, like to at least defend myself a little bit before I tell you why this is the topic of today. I h-a-t-e secrets! Even for myself. I am the kind of person that will tell anyone anything they want to know about me. And I will always give an honest opinion. I am a fan of being honest. I just feel like it’s the best way to go in almost every situation. Like yesterday – I was talking to Danielle at lunch about tight jeans. And I mentioned that I hate them because they make my vajayjay hurt. Of course Danielle didn’t flinch because she’s cool like that but someone with less coolness would be like “seriously do you have to share?” And my point is yes – I do have to share. I sort of believe that when you are open it really gives uncomfortable things less power over you. Secrets lose their power over you once you say them out loud. And hey – maybe someone is wondering why their vajayjay hurts and now they will stop wearing the jeans! (Oh and YOU will be spared from seeing yet another camel toe.) Most people do not share my same opinion. It seems my Dad would prefer that I not tell the tour bus lady in Washington DC our entire life story. (I was little – I thought she might be interested) And my mom – well scratch that – my mom comes to me for the info.

I know I cannot force my openness on everyone because everyone has their own way of doing things, and sometimes, I guess there is a reason for the secret. Like maybe it is good news and whatnot and that it has an “appropriate announcement” time. Or maybe it’s shocking news (to some) and everyone would go nuts if they found out. If you read the Da Vinci Code you know what I mean …

So basically - this is going to be a looooooooooooooooong rest of the week for me. Or longer than a week! Who knows when everyone can know what I know?

See – I have 3 secrets right now. 3 of them people! I am under serious restrictions. I sort of feel like maybe I should not talk to anyone right now. Please do not call me. I don’t want to talk to you. Or if you do talk to me it can only be about me and you. You cannot ask me how anyone else is doing. And as a disclaimer – no I would not prefer if I didn’t know the secrets. I hate being the last to know almost as much as I don’t like secret keepers. ;)

This would also be an appropriate time to mention why I love Dave. He’s the guy on the right without the ears. He is the secret keeper of all secret keepers and thank god because I can usually at least tell him and he will lock it like a vault.

And then he tells people that I have the biggest mouth this side of the Mississippi. No seriously – he said that to me in front of my family at Christmas and they all laughed. Because they (and I) know it’s true.

You guys will all still be my friends after this right? No seriously – Right?

Some Friday Cuteness ...

2007-05-11T15:58:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the awesome kid of one of my favorite-est friends Kathryn. His name is Josh, and while I was uploading pics today I came across this one and I love it! Especially since he looks so adorable … but you should know … he is hilarious also!

I love him so much because:

He honestly believes that he “makes” the quarters that Dave pulls out of his ears.

He once called me a cow when we were at the mall. Kathryn almost died but it was pretty darn funny. And then I had to do that thing where I had to look away when she scolded him because I was laughing so hard.

He shows off his Superman PJ’s almost every time I come over. And yes - there is a cape!

And he (well the whole family actually) calls me Coco Puff. And it seems like a totally normal thing to be called when I am with them.

I know that one day Josh will grow up and pretend to hate us all for the stories we have of him -but that is sort of our job anyway isn’t it? And it is sort of payback for him getting us both busted for sword fighting with chopsticks the last time we went out to dinner. (I may or may not have started that particular activity.)

Anyway – I love Josh and his parents and his new little sister and they are the bestest!

Oh and one more thing – Josh also holds the esteemed position of ring-bearer in our upcoming nuptials! You can count on him to be equally charming and mildly troublemaking and that is just the way I like it!

Cuff me!

2007-05-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

Living in LA I have the opportunity to have some good celebrity sightings. I have taken a picture with Ice Cube, personally witnessed Paris and Nicky Hilton stumble across a street, and I even met Kobe Bryant at 3rd street when my Auntie Karen and cousin Megan were in town!

However, I have to say that the best sightings are always the ones of people that you least expect.

Up until now that position was filled by Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) when we saw him at breakfast one day at Lulu’s. I wasn’t completely sure it was him until he ordered his oatmeal with that super sexy should I date Brenda or Kelly raspy voice. (And might I add - that he is just as sexy ordering oatmeal as he is brooding over his past life with Kelly when he was Billy the Kid. No seriously – that happened. Did I mention the 90210 season 2 DVD is out now?)

But yesterday – yesterday! Yesterday I was at the salon and John (Larry Wilcox) from CHiP’s was getting a haircut! Ummmm I spent many hours watching CHiP’s with my little sister and I still get really excited when I see two of them riding together on the highway. Even though I have a teensy speeding record. :) Anyhoo – he was super nice and I wasn’t going to say anything but my friend Julie sold me out and told him I loved him. He said “I know - she made eye contact with me.” And then I giggled and blushed. It was so great!

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0928243/

Happy Danielle Day!

2007-04-25T10:48:00.000-07:00

Today is Administrative Professionals Day. In honor of that Celese and I made it Danielle Day!

Danielle does a lot for us … like she gives us pens, and laughs at our jokes, and once she even named a blue pen after me. I don’t even work in that department anymore but the people still order “Courtney pens”!

I know the term “Courtney pens” isn’t recognized by the Staples catalog and it’s not anything you can get at Costco online but you can get them here at Informa and that makes my life a little happier.

Oh wait – back to Danielle. Anyhoo, she also always has good candy and she will even save you the ones that not everyone has touched in the big bowl. She does a lot of other really important things here too that I could list and list but getting a non germy piece of candy around here is a really big deal.

Happy Danielle day Danielle and I hope we don’t get written up when you beat your piñata! Celese and I think you are the bestest!!

As if I needed a reason ...

2007-04-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

Today. I start my new Blog.

Why you ask? Because when my sister sent this to me last night Dave and I laughed for 10 straight minutes. If you ask Dave he will deny it and tell you how mean I am.

I am mean too ... and my head hurts from where the lightening struck. ;)

But I love these guys and I am in awe of their creativity and completely jealous I did not think of this first. F-ing awesome you guys!