Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.

Dave is going to kill me for this one but –

If there is any question as to why we are a perfect match, this picture should sum it up for you. This is Dave in the birthday outfit at our favorite local Teppanyaki place.

My cousin Megan (with her adorable friend Kate!) was in town so he took all of us out to dinner. Then he got them to give him the birthday outfit (not on his birthday - although it is coming up!) and let him behind the grill.

Oh Dave how I love theeeeeeeeeee …

Also Megan tipped us off to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

Which may be the most perfect You Tube video e-v-e-r.

Happy Friday!

Smelly Cat

In the last few weeks I have had some new neighbors move in to my cube neighborhood at work. For those of you that know me well you know - that I am - how would you say … not so patient with idiocy.

So when I got two new neighbors I thought I would stray from my usual crankiness and give them the benefit of the doubt.

My mistake.

On Friday I was greeted with a gum chomper. The chomping is so loud it is as though I am sitting next to a cow. You want to know the kicker? The gum chomper wears earplugs so as not to be disturbed while he is working!

Then yesterday one of the IT guys walked by and said “Ewwww it smells like urine in your department.” I was like “WHAT?”

So I went to lunch and breathed fresh air and came back and you know what?

It doesn’t just smell like urine it smells like dirty clothes and dirty hair! It smells in my neighborhood as though I live under the freeway and my neighbors are hobos and bums. When I came in this morning it was even worse. Great.

I shower every morning and add a delightful coating of coconut lime verbena lotion to be greeted with the gross and grosser stinky gum chomping neighbors. And now I am grouped in with the department that smells like we live in a van down by the river.

Perfect. Just fucking perfect.

Why I Heart Dave

Yesterday Dave and I were driving and I said to him –

“Can you believe it’s only 75 days until the wedding?”

And Dave said –

“I can’t wait to marry your ass! You’re goin down motherfucker!”

And they say romance is dead …

Desperate?

This is the best that Miss New Jersey could do for a publicity scandal? Honestly.

Ren is a Total Fox!

I heard this morning that they are re-making Footloose. As far as I'm concerned Kevin Bacon is THE only Ren McCormick but I am in! Footloose is my favorite movie OF ALL TIME.

"I thought only pansies wore neckties."
"See that? I thought only assholes used the word pansy."

"Willard! I said no fighting!"
"What do you want me to do?"
"Kick his ass!"

"Hey McCormick! When this hat flies in the air, you better have your butt in gear."

"People think she's a hellraiser."
"Is she?"
"I think she's been kissed a lot."

"Hey, hey! What's this I see? I thought this was a party. LET'S DANCE!"

I heart Ren and Ariel. And I miss Chris Penn.

Candy, Porn, and Hello Kitty

When I was little my mom used to take me to a store called Frys. It was right next door to the grocery store and they had all kinds of yarn and crafty stuff. Also – there was a popcorn machine so every time we went my sister and I got popcorn. Those bags came in handy too when I barfed in the car on the way home but I digress. Frys was a good fun place.

So when a random Sunday came and Dave wanted to go to Fry’s I was like Okay! I hadn’t been in a long time and thought it would be fun.

My bad.

Fry’s is not the same as Frys. I’m not sure if it has something to do with the apostrophe or what but it is no bueno! Fry’s is THE computer Mecca. A virtual be all end all to all things technical and nerd related. I should have known that my nerd did not want to go to a craft store with popcorn – he wanted to go to his Holy Place. The motherland of motherboards.

On my first visit I learned a lot.

Me - “Why is there like all this computer stuff and also huge aisles of porn and candy?”

Dave – “What do you think nerds do all day? They’re not on dates. Plus the sugar helps you stay up late for gaming.”

Me – “Oh.”

Also as a sidenote – All Fry’s have a theme. We have two close to us and one is Alien Invasion and the other is Alice in Wonderland. And seriously - there are giant aliens on the walls or giant playing cards hanging from the ceiling. What the?

I try to avoid Fry’s now at all costs (Seriously – I drop off my nerd and go to Nordstrom.) but yesterday Dave promised to buy me a new alarm clock and a rhinestone wireless Hello Kitty mouse, so I went willingly. My bad. Again.

I asked the girl in the mouse row if they had any Hello Kitty mice and she nerd shamed me! She actually laughed in my face and said maybe in software. Even I know that a mouse isn’t software. Bitch just wanted me to ask someone in software so they could laugh too.

And then I got busted for trying to text my sister a picture of the alien on the wall.
“Ma’am – you can’t be taking pictures in here!”
Or what the dorklore will escape via picture message?

I like Best Buy better where the salespeople only know like a tiny bit more than me. But Dave says the HDMI cables there cost twice as much. And thank god we got that cable because although I don’t know what HDMI means I know it makes my new Jenna DVD from Fry’s a lot more clear.

Pass the Twizzlers please!

Holy Shit! - Literally.

So there is a new diet pill on the market named Alli. And if you eat too much fat while taking the pill you have what the company calls an “Alli-oops”. Which means – you crap your pants.

Yes people - it makes you crap your pants!

What? The? F*&%? Is? Dieting? Coming? To?

In the story on MSNBC this morning there are a bunch of tips like - wear Depends, use infant diapers as a large pad, and wear dark pants. Ummmm how about just don’t eat a bunch of shit and tough it out like the rest of us on the treadmill in the dead of summer?

This is a direct quote from a user. Try not to barf –

It can strike any time — even in the early hours of the morning. One user writes: “Ya know how when you start moving around in the morning ya pass a little gas. Well, I did and then went into the bathroom and to my horror I had an orange river of grease running down my leg.”

I don’t even know what to say and I my friends, I am the Queen of TMI. An orange river of grease? Jesus!

On a lighter note - Mr. McSquirrelson was back in action this morning. This time I laughed out loud at him and he happily posed for a picture. I heart him! He is getting so fat! And he’s almost out of seeds. I have a sneaky suspicion that someday soon I will run into him making a bar-b-q sunflower seed run at 7-11. At least that’s the cartoon strip I have running through my head today.

Also - KROQ was playing the Beastie Boys License to Ill this morning when I got in the car. Nice!

What’s the time? It’s time to get Ill!

Dammit why does Ill look like 3 lines? Happy Friday Everybody!

Party People

So - This photo was totally staged but this is what we all felt like yesterday after sitting in the heat, eating guacamole, swimming, hot tubbing, margarita drinking, kabob bar-b-q-ing, and eating Reddi-Whip right out of the can!

Mmmmmm summer is good.

I heart the 4th of July.

Mr. Bluebird On My Shoulder ...

Ooooooooo I feel like Snow White. I bet you guys think I am just weird animal lady but I prefer to think of myself as Snow White. Oh hello there Mr. Bluejay – And Good Morning to you itsy bitsy spider and tiny hummingbirds.

Let me introduce you to Mr. McSquirrelson. This is our chatty neighborhood squirrel. And by chatty I mean that he screeches and yells at the cats through the sliding glass door! And then the cats sort or make a sound that sounds like “meep meep meep” and they look at me for help. ;) I assume he does it at everyone’s house because he is quite fat and probably eats his fair share of garbage and cat food.

Mr. McSquirrelson also reeeeeeeeeeeeeally likes sunflower seeds. So much so that he dumped the entire birdfeeder out, ate all the sunflower seeds, and just left us a pile of shells. And birdseed of course. So we went to Petco and got a “Squirrel Proof” birdfeeder block. (Try not to be jealous of our exciting shopping excursions.) So far I haven’t seen very many birds and this morning I found this!

Also – I would like to mention that I tried to take a picture through the window because I didn’t want to startle Mr. McSquirrelson and I wanted to get the shot. I needn’t have worried though because after I opened the door he just stared me down and then yelled at me. I think we know who’s in charge here. And it’s not Snow White … or the cats.

Hotter Than Africa! (And yes - I know people find that expression offensive - why do ya think I used it?)

Howdy Peeps!

So I haven’t blogged in a while and there’s lots of reasons. Mostly … sometimes life is ummm I don’t know boring? And also … good … but uneventful. Yet not?

Okay so here’s what’s been up –

It’s thirteen trillion degrees in the valley. You know how I know besides the comforting hum of AC and the sleeping with no covers? Check out our neighborhood bully cat taking a snooze in our yard! Usually he is off kicking someone’s ass or torturing other cats through the screen doors but today? Yep … it’s just too damn hot. And also – normally he would never be able to catch any zzzzzzz’s in my yard because Piggles and Fluffy would have alerted the troops but they were too busy snoozing on the bathroom floor because it’s coolest there. And Fluffy got a haircut today. I swore I would never be crazy cat lady that gives haircuts but Fluffhead was just getting too Fluffy and hot. And she actually liked it. Or she didn’t complain. Whichever. ;)

So what else? Oooooooh Big Love is on tonight. Which is good because Dave’s not home. He doesn’t really dig polygamy and the show creeps him out. I think he gets stressed when he watches it because one wife is expensive enough. The thought of keeping more than one lady in Juicy Couture travel sets probably makes him sweat.

Peace out and maybe something exciting will happen this week what with 4th of July and all. Oooooooo how I love 4th of July.