It’s that time again …

I’M BACK! And I feel a little guilty that I haven’t blogged since it was summer and 4 million degrees in the valley. Granted, that could have been last week – but realistically it’s been since July. And I really want to tell you that I just haven’t had much to say … but that’s not really true. I’ve been to an awesome wedding (Congratulations Dan & Danielle!), had a lot to say about the election (which I never said out loud/on paper), and took an awesome trip to DC for Thanksgiving (we almost missed our flight and I cried at LAX). But all in all it’s been kind of gloomy in the big wide world. And while I don’t want to give in to that I just haven’t been inspired.

BUT! Now I’m getting over all that and thought I would share one of my fave stories from the last few months. Sooooooooo - I l-o-v-e Paul Rudd. Like ever since Clueless he has been my fave of all faves. So you can imagine my excitement when Dave told me that we were going to the Role Models premiere and that Paul was going to be there! I planned my outfit, blew out my hair. … the whole shebang! And then I promised Dave (knowing full well I was totally lying) that I would be cool and not bother Paul and behave myself from afar. In my defense though, Dave did agree to marry me and knows that I should be medicated and I am not so that’s kinda his fault too right?

Anyhoo – we went to the premiere and the movie was great and I checked out the red carpet and it was all very exciting and free popcorny! And then we went to the premiere party… which ended up being like a mile walk away. In heels. And jeans. And a really cute short sleeve bubble sweater top. In 95 degree heat. At like 10pm. In LA. In freaking October when the day before it was like 60 and had already started snowing in some states. Ugh. I started to get sweaty. Like really sweaty. And once it started it would not stop. But Paul was at the party so I had no choice. I had to just suck it up, get some chardonnay, and move on. I stalked him for a good hour or so so that I could get close to his table - where there was basically a long line of skinny hot chicks waiting to take a picture with him. So I waited … sweating … trying not to look crazy. Which was REALLY hard when Paul kept making eye contact with me like maybe he wanted to call security.

And then … I had my chance. The crowds parted and I went for it. In my head I knew how the conversation would go - Oh hey Paul – loved you in Object of my Affection. Could I get a picture? Oh sure Courtney! And I love your blowout – did you do that for me? Oh no silly my hair always looks like this. Oh well – you look amazing. “Click”

This is how it went down – Ummmmmmmhipaulummmmmimlikeareallybigfanijustwantedtotellyouthatyeahimabigfanummmmcanyoutakeapicturewithme? Poor Paul was just like “ummmm ok” and he was sooooooooooo backing away from my sweaty crazy face when Dave stepped in and said “oh hey Paul – how’s it going? I worked in post production.” At which point Paul completely calms down and starts telling Dave what a great job he did and then Dave’s all no you’re great and Paul’s all no you are. And then Dave takes my picture.

And then we walk away and I’m dying of embarrassment and telling Dave that I looked like a crazy lady and Dave says “no way! Once I said I was in post it was fine and he was totally fine!” To which I explain that Dave never mentioned that I was his wife. So now as far a Paul is concerned he probably feels bad for Dave too because a crazy sweaty fan made some nice post production guy take the picture. You know … or he’s Paul Rudd for crissakes and doesn’t think anything because he meets a million people a day and why would he? So here is the picture. I’m sweaty, dehydrated, and the most embarrassing wife ever. Oh and my head looks GIGANTIC next to Paul’s sweet tiny head behind me. And Dave, god bless him, was like I have no idea what you’re talking about, you looked beautiful to me.Oh and FYI – Dave also mentioned how soft Paul's hands were when he shook hands with him. Swoon.

Awesome! Just Awesome!

I love the 80's! Recently I was trying to describe one of my fave commercials from the 80's to Dave. In between episodes of Silver Spoons and Eight is Enough the Mormons put out these sweet commercials! And every kid I know knew every word and we loved them. And now thanks to youtube I can finally share ...

Below is my super favorite and stars Alfonso Ribeiro! You might know him from Fresh Prince of Bel Air but he was also Ricky Schroeder's best friend on Silver Spoons. Ooooooooooooohhhhhhh and how I loved Ricky Schroeder. I planned our unicorn theme wedding like every day in 4th grade.
And next is a bonus commercial! Basically when my parents weren't trying to scare the crap out of me about lying the nice folks at the Church of Latter Day Saints were doing a fantastic job of making telling the truth look awesome. So watch this while I go hug my My Little Pony. :)PS - Shout out to EvilKate and my sister who both know every word to these commercials too!

Monkey Baby

Awesome convo with my boss yesterday –

Me: “I hate when I’m in your office and people just walk right in and interrupt. Like – what if I was telling you something important like Oh my god James I’m totally pregnant with a monkey baby and I don’t know what to do!”

James: “Ya but it would be pretty awesome to have a monkey baby right? That’s not really a problem. It would be so great.”

Dear Universe ...

I’m done now.

Hi Boys and Girls. Long time no blog right? So I have had a lot to blog about. We went and visited my sister in Chicago. Super fun! We went to see Coldplay. Amazing. And we’ve made some new friends and hung out with old friends and have had quite a nice summer so far. Until now …

I will try and blog about all that stuff later but right now we are in the middle of a little unplanned renovation that is trying my and Dave’s patience. And I have to say – Dave has more patience than anyone I know.

We had planned to redo our bathroom floors because one was kind of feeling “squishy” and we wanted to make our house prettier. (My words obviously.) So we set out with a little refinance and big plans for tiled bathroom floors. Ohhhhhh Ahhhhhh. Now we’re REPLACING the entire bathroom floors and sub-floors in both bathrooms. Thanks termites! You know what makes bathroom floors squishy? Termites! Termites eating them starting probably from when the house was built! You know what else makes the floors squishy? The a-hole ex-owner who obviously knew about the termites and choose to add en extra layer of plywood flooring over decaying plywood flooring rather than treating the areas for freaking termites!

Uh. I hate to sound like my Dad here but hey ex-owner a-hole guy – Anything worth doing is worth doing right the first time! You know … or you could just cover it up and move out so that Goldilocks Squishy Floors finds it seven years later.

Oh man … I have shed a few tears over this. Dave and I have spent several sleepless nights over this. But we found an amazing contactor who has put 99% of my fears to rest. He even promised me without laughing that I would not get bitten by any gross disgusting termites in the middle of the night. He is going to kill them all and Dave and I are hoping we can hear them scream! By the way – have you ever seen a termite? Ugh. They are tiny gross little white maggoty looking things with legs. Enough to make you squirm a lot!

Anyhoodle … here are some fun pics and I hope my next blog is something more along the lines of check out my new Ferrari! Or something like that …

Here are the kitties being pissed off at the vet when we took them to sleep over this morning. They don’t understand why they can’t just stay home and “supervise” the extermination?Here is what my living room looks like tonight with all of the plywood. Dave said “Baby! You wanted hardwood floors and I got em for ya!”And these are the floorboard thingys I will be tiptoeing across to take a shower in the morning. Try not to be jealous.And this is where I’ll be sleeping tonight. I heart Tylenol PM. That’s all I gotta say. I might start taking them in the daytime too.

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You know ... in case you were wondering what it's like to take Dave to the mall on a holiday weekend ...

Back by Popular Demand!

Never say Never

Something I thought WOULD NEVER HAPPEN –

The bottom of my running shoes look like someone was like running on them and stuff and I might even have to get another pair.

Dave is a Pretty Awesome Husband.

Hey Everybody!

Okay so usually I post hilarious conversations that I have with Dave but today … today I gotta give it up. About a year ago I started harassing Dave about getting beach cruisers and I started telling him how we could bike to brunch on Sundays and how we could bike at the beach and wouldn’t it be like so fun?Dave’s reaction was mostly to be like yeah - whatever - sure - whatever you want - thinking that eventually I would forget about it. But I didn’t forget about it and this year I pretty much forced him into it. :) And here’s the thing about Dave … sometimes it takes him a while to realize that I won’t give it up and juuuuuuuuust about that time is when he totally gets on board and then he makes my day. So this weekend he voluntarily went to Sport Chalet and REI by himself, bought a bike rack, built it, and put the bikes on it without me even asking!We had plans to go to Huntington Beach anyway to pick up some Radiohead tickets this weekend so we brought our bikes too. The car ride was pretty quiet because we were both crossing our fingers that the bike rack wouldn’t fall off and we were reeeeeeeeally stressed about causing a pile up on the 405 but we totally made it and it was so fun! Also – we didn’t even have to wear our helmets because no one else was and we didn’t want to look like dorks. Insecure? Yes. Willing to look silly? No.Oh – but when we took this picture these skater kids came by and kind of mocked us for taking pictures of our bikes. Anyhoo – Thanks Dave for getting us bikes and building a bike rack and for basically caving to all the stuff I am always kind of coercing you into. And also – thanks for taking it seriously when I tell you that I am going to do things that are next to impossible and certainly slightly ridiculous. You know – like telling you I'm doing the mud-run thing when I won’t even go camping.

Charlie the Unicorn

Charlton Heston Loves Kittens Too!

Over the weekend Dave and I took a little trip to Lancaster to go to an NRA banquet with my boss. Yes – you heard me – I said NRA. I am sorta used to the rednecks and whatnot so I thought it would be fun. And Dave is all into guns lately so he wanted to go too.

All in all it was a cool experience – you know peppered by white trash and things I wanted to be horrified by but couldn’t say anything until we got in the car. I documented a few things for those of you who did not grow up in the country and/or the Bible Belt.This is my boss James. He and Dave wore their cowboy boots. I made him pose like this.With your ticket you automatically get this giant ridiculous NRA pocketknife. Dude – not in my pocket is all I have to say.This is Dave re-enacting the Pledge of Allegiance. We said that and sang God Bless America and applauded the servicemen and police and firemen. It was very patriotic and my favorite part. I heart America a lot and even if it's not a popular opinion I get it that we need to defend our freedom.This was the auctioneer! He looked and sounded like Kenny Rogers. I love Kenny Rogers and I know every word to The Gambler. Good stuff!This was a buffalo head that made me want to cry. Also – you could win a trip to go bear hunting in Alaska. The guy selling the tickets told me all about the trip and when he was all done I was like “But the bear dies at the end right?” And he was like “Yeah.” And I was like “Later!”I really don’t think that a coat rack made from deer feet would go over well in LA.Perhaps you would like to win a shotgun in a raffle?Even the raffle tickets had guns on them.

I do have to say that everyone at the dinner was really nice and it even made me miss some of the idiots I know from home. Also - the guy behind us with the flask that kept yelling “Does she have big boobs???” whenever the auctioneer mentioned that a pretty lady was walking around selling raffle tickets was awesome. And I totally support everyone’s right to bear arms. I just wish that people didn’t need guns and killing so much. James did mention though that there is a demolition derby in Lancaster and I am all over that!

The apocalypse is near …

Today I started another 5 weeks of bootcamp. That’s right people - I have already made it through the first 5 weeks and I lost 10 pounds!

Also - When I found out how many calories were in my “healthy” chicken sandwich from The Habit I almost freaked. So today I ate my first veggie burger. And I haven’t died from it. Yet.

Maybe tomorrow I will stop using the F-word and give up Ranch. J/K! J/K! That is never happening … and I mean n-e-v-e-r.

Beach Bunnies!

This weekend Dave and I got Beach Cruisers!Dave insisted that I get a helmet. I didn’t want to because of fashion and stuff but he is making me.
Our convo last week regarding the helmet:
D: You have to get a helmet!
C: Don’t really want to.
D: What if you fall off and get a head injury? I don’t want to be married to a vegetable!
C: If that happens you can totally get a girlfriend. It’s okay with me as long as you just feed me and stuff.
D: No way! Because when I bring her home it will be awkward when I have to say “Hold on let me just turn Courtney’s wheelchair around so she can’t see.”
C: Fine. Then I am getting a basket and a bell and you can’t stop me.
D: Uhhhhh okay then.This is my shiny new bell!And both bikes totally fit in the car! I was pretty much smashed against the windshield but still. :)

Nutsnack?

Nutsnack – (Noun)
Used to describe a snack (in separate ziplock bags) of the 12 nuts I have allotted for one particular snack period while on this ugly weight loss journey.

Use in a sentence:
I’m so full from my 64 ounces of water that I couldn’t possibly find room for even one more nutsnack!

P.S. I don’t recommend googling “nuts” either. Just sayin …

I Heart Self Destruction.

Ummmmmmmm

Wow. I just had the most jarring experience. I just ate lunch and I am totally full … but then I was like … well just one chocolate caramel couldn’t hurt right? Because I did lose 2 lbs. this week …

So I started chewing it … and the guilt crept in … and I was like WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF? I totally spit it out in the trash. Yesterday I worked out twice (that has n-e-v-e-r happened before) and today I am fighting with caramels.

This is going to be never-freaking-ending.

Highlight from bootcamp the other day:

John the trainer: Man – I keep sniffling. I need to figure out what I’m allergic to.
Me: I think you might be allergic to hot bitches.
John: Dude – were you a lot of trouble in college?
Me: Not just college. :)

P.S. - I looked for a picture of the chocolate in question but do you know what happens when you google for images of chocolate?

3 Down - 97 To Go!

It's been a week and I lost 3 whole pounds! To celebrate here is a picture of my hard boiled egg that I left in my bosses fridge. (Guess who drew their face on it?)

I would rather celebrate with a Cadbury egg but that's probably what got me here in the first place. :)

This was actually a post for Friday - Oops!

2 For 2!

We made it again this morning at 6am! And it was a little tougher to get up but we totally did it.

The highlight from today is:

During crunches our trainer is telling us to touch our toes that are up in the air and I say –
"I couldn't touch my toes if I was on trial for murder."
He's says "What the hell does that even mean?" :)
And I say "I have no idea."

Total. Friday. Morning. Delirium. … Total.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life - No Seriously.

Day 1

So Dave and Erin and I survived our first day of boot camp! I cried a little when I was jogging but no one saw. It was more just sniffles. Because it was super hard!

And I felt a little dumb and didn't want to hold up anyone else. However, everyone was super supportive and soon my fear of getting kicked out for being too out of shape subsided and I did everything I could. The highlight was when the trainer said "You are all going to be sore but it will get better when your body knows what's coming." And I said "The only thing that my body thinks is coming is a log of Thin Mints" and therein lies the problem!

Also - I gotta say - Erin kicks some serious ass! To get me and Dave out there at 6 in the morning and be cheery and telling me how great I am when I couldn't even muster enough breath to squeeze out a "you too!" Geez! And did I mention that she also beat cancer's ass last year? (Hope I'm not getting in trouble for telling that – but seriously folks!) If Erin can do this with all of the other stuff she's beat and she's not even tired then I can run around the park 3 times a week. Oh and also Dave was yelling "I'M PROUD OF YOU" the whole time (when he wasn't cussing at Erin :) ) so he gets husband bonus points too!

Happy Easter to My Peeps!

Dave’s first Easter with the Fells went something like this –
Dave – “Are you sure it will be fun? I’m Jewish and I don’t know very much about Jesus”
Me – “Ummmm neither do we.”

1 hour into Easter Sunday …
Dave – “This isn’t about Jesus – it’s all about chocolate!”
My Mom – “Yep! – pretty much.”

Neighborhood of Make-Believe

I was going to post a blog today full of bad words and really unkind words for Washington Mutual. I was going to say how much I loathe them, how they have closed my accounts 4 times for “fraud” that they couldn’t explain, and that had nothing to do with me. Yesterday was a no good very bad day at the Berman house thanks to Washington Mutual.

The reason I say all this is because I was still really mad at Washington Mutual when I found out that today would have been Mr. Rogers 80th birthday. I love him and what he was all about and really … couldn’t we all use some of Mr. Rogers in our every day lives? So I’m going to just swallow it and move on…

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day
Since we're together we might as well say
Would you be mine, could you be mine
Won't you be my neighbor
Won't you please, won't you please
Please won't you be my neighbor

Happy Birthday Mr. RogersOh and P.S. - You haven't lived until you see the episode where Mr. Rogers takes you to the crayon factory. It's the best!

I Heart Flipper

I love my job and here’s why –

Last week I had to fill out my portion of my review. This basically consists of listing my accomplishments, goals, etc. At the bottom of my portion there is a question about career plans or interests. It also asks if you would like to move to another location. My office is 10 minutes from the beach so ummmm no way. :) I also love my job and my boss.

So last week when I filled this out I wrote that unless I could be … say … a dolphin trainer or something I would be perfectly content staying right here in my current position. I cracked myself up emailed my review to my boss.

The next day I was at lunch with Danielle and I got an email forwarded to me on my iPhone from my boss (James). (Remember him? The guy with the candy corn in his nostrils.) The subject line said – “I just gave notice” My heart started beating really fast. I immediately had like a thousand questions. Mainly WTF? Then I read on …

I wanted to tell you to your face, but couldn’t quite bring myself to do it. This is easier.

I know I have been acting a little weird the last week, but I was offered another position that is an incredible opportunity AND it is closer to home so I just couldn’t pass it up.

I will be working at Six Flags Magic Mountain at their new Dolphin exhibit that opens this spring. I will be in a 6-week training program starting after Easter and will then assume the duties as Assistant to the head Dolphin Trainer. I am told that I will able to spend a lot of time in the tank, with the Dolphins, and there will be plenty of room for advancement (providing of course that the Dolphins like me).

Anyway, it’s been great. I’ll miss you.

James

Touché James! I totally fell for it and I was devastated. If James wasn’t my boss I would totally go work at the Gap or something.

I Don't Know But I've Been Told ...

I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. I have done something that may or may not kill me. For real people. I signed up for Morning Bootcamp with Dave and my friend Erin.

I wanted to do it so bad that I talked to James and changed my work schedule. So starting Monday the 24th I will be spending three mornings a week at Northridge Park trying not to barf from one too many squats. And I told Dave that I was scared to barf and he was very supportive. He said “Oh you are SO GONNA barf!” Nice. :)But remember this picture? Ya … it hasn’t gone down that much. So I have to sweat at the park so I won’t be the fattest mom and/or pregnant lady on the block next year. Just keeping it real ya’ll.

The Lottery

The other night at dinner I did something disgusting that I can't remember right now.
Okay maybe I was belching.
Than Dave said "You know - I should stop playing the lottery."
And I'm like "What?"
And Dave says "It's just impossible that I could win twice."
And who can argue with that my friends?

Starbucks - White Chocolate Mocha ...

2 days in a row.
Will it help?
I don't know ...

Driving Miss Daisy

I’m 32. I have been driving for over 15 years. I have never had an "at fault" accident. Today I hit a car. A Mercedes of course. Nobody got hurt but I feel like a total asshole and it’s going to cost a bunch of money. Not happy … not happy at all. I’m drinking Starbucks now … I was hoping it would help. It doesn’t. And now my car has to go to the Doctor. Ugh.

Miss Valentine

Hi Everybody!
This post is looooooooooooooong overdue!You have all met my BFF Kate right? Well – she finally had her baby! Dave and I went to visit and we took some great pictures. She is adorable, loud, and well … adorable. And her name is Stella Valentine! We got lucky and got to celebrate meeting Stella and Kate’s birthday all in one weekend! I think Katy and Joe are sleep deprived but they look great and Joe is changing a lot of diapers!

My fave convo from the visit:

Dave:“Me and Joe are going to the shooting range. You and Katy can stay here and show each other your vaginas or whatever it is girls do when they hang out.”
Me:“Ummm Dave … I’m not sure what you think happens but that’s not it.”
(Dave and Joe leave)
Kate:“SO – You want to see my C-section scar?”
Me:“Totally!”

And now … an ode to Stella Valentine …

Dear Stella Valentine,

We have been waiting for you for what seems like for-ev-er! We rubbed your mom’s belly and we wished and we hoped and you are finally here!

On the night you were born I had taken Dave to his first Garth Brooks concert and we kept checking for messages. Right before we went inside your Dad had texted Dave and told us you were on the way and we couldn’t wait! We knew that you had been taking your sweet time (sorry but you did take a while) :) and we were worried. … so we waited … and checked our cell phones … and we waited … And Dave said “I hope Katy and Joe are okay.” … And I sniffled and nodded … and we waited … and we went home after the concert and waited … and we laid in bed and talked about how great it would be when you were finally here … and we waited … and then in the morning we all got a text to say that you finally decided to come out!

I jumped out of bed when I heard it and read it to Uncle Dave. And then … he said he was so happy … and he sniffled too … and so did I. Because we know what a great life you have in store for you and how beautiful it is that you were born to such special parents. Your parents are two of the most special people that we know … and I mean really special. So welcome! I wish you many many years of growing and learning and rule breaking and laughing. And when you are old enough … I will tell you hilarious stories about your mom and dad that will make you laugh some more. And it will be amazing. And we all can’t wait!

I8A4RE

A lot has been going on lately but I have been lagging a bit on the blogging.

The most exciting thing that has happened is that my BFF EvilKate finally had her Evil Baby!

There will be a much better post about that soon but Welcome Stella Valentine! Stella will be very loved by maaaaaaaany friends and family. Dave and I flew up to meet her last weekend and I will post all the pics soon. She is a precious little bug and I am so happy she’s here!

In the meantime – I will share this awesome tidbit with you –

So Dave and I head to the Burbank Airport nice and early for our flight on Friday afternoon. When we get there we find out that our flight is 2 ½ hours late. Of course. So we settled in for a wait at the bar. I was keeping myself busy on my iphone when all of a sudden Dave says “Isn’t that Ian Ziering?” I was like WHAAAAAAAAT? I almost broke my neck to look - and sure enough – It. Was. As I live and breathe it was the real Steve Sanders. Ahhhhhh I felt like Brenda the first day she met Dylan. (And if you don’t know what I am talking about you may as well stop reading now – because this is about to get annoying.)

I immediately turned to Dave and asked him to take a picture of us and he said no way was he getting involved and I was like “Okay later!” And I ran over to ask. Also - Let me just say for the record that I see celebrities all the time and I never even so much as stare because I know they hate it. But this is Steve Sanders! And once I ate breakfast next to Luke Perry and never said anything and I totally regret it. So I did it. I went up to him and told him I was a HUGE 90210 fan and he kind of laughed and said “okay – I can appreciate that.” And then his friend took the picture. And here it is.Then I called Celese and we sang the theme song … and then I sang the theme song all night until I went to bed. At one point Dave said I could only sing it 2 more times before he was going to kill me but I kept going because my love for Steve is stronger than my fear of Dave. I have seen every episode of 9-0 there is and I am not the least bit embarrassed.

Donna Martin graduates!

I Heart This!

I Heart Religion!

Amusing recent convo between me and Dave.

Me: Hey I heard that Germany is trying to make Scientology illegal.

Dave: That is awesome!

Me: Ummm Dave?

Dave: Ya.

Me: Germany doesn’t exactly have the best track record for religious tolerance.

Dave. Oh yeah.

Ain't Nuthin But A Numba

Yep! Those are my toes and my number. Are you surprised? Because here’s the thing – whenever I tell anyone my number the usual response is “No Way!” And I’m not sure if that is because I carry it all in my boobs or people are just being nice.

Either way – here’s the deal. The number needs to go down – by 100. Because next year I want to get knocked up and there is no room for a baby in there. Not with all the Oreos and whatnot currently occupying baby space.

So I started on Friday and I am actually doing well. I haven’t chewed my leg off yet and I can still drink Diet Coke. However, I will probably eventually break up with Diet Coke too because I know our relationship is probably toxic and even though I love Diet Coke it’s probably hurting my bones. Dammit! I heart toxic relationships. (Excluding Dave of course – he is much the opposite of toxic)

When I took a picture of the scale Dave said “Are you going to put that on the internet?” And I said “yep!” And he said “WOW.” And I said “I know … Holy Shit.” So there it is. And I swear to god that number ends today. On the real.

*Cough*

Long time … no blog. And now I am El Sicko. Guess where I caught it?

Above is a photo of Piglet trying to save us from the evil humidifier.

I spent the weekend in bed coughing and watching reality TV on TiVo. 6 episodes of Run’s House! Thank goodness Rock of Love has a new season.

Ummmm when is the strike going to be over? Don’t get me wrong … I love Wife Swap but if this keeps up I might actually have to go to the gym or something to pass the time.